David Suzuki Arrested For Break And Enter

Vancouver City, BC - David Suzuki, the popular environmentalist leading the campaign of "One Million Acts of Green" and often seen in commercials going into residents' homes, was arrested earlier this week for break and enter. Upon being arrested, Suzuki claimed that he was merely trying to remind the owner to turn off her heating and lights when she was away at work. "It was all a misunderstanding, I swear! I never meant to look like some robber when I entered her house. I was just trying to help the environment and defeat the real enemy; global warming!" A visibly upset and distressed Suzuki yelled as he was put in the back of a police cruiser.

Upon being arraigned in a Vancouver court house, Suzuki claimed that his entering of the house was justified because the environment was at risk. When Suzuki was asked to make an opening statement, he jumped up and started telling the broke open the door because the environment demanded that he do something when tons of carbon emissions were polluting the environment.

"so you are admitting that you did break into the house then?" Judge Adam Field asked Suzuki.

"I was not breaking into the house because the environment told me to enter." Suzuki replied.

"That's not the point. No where have I read in the books that the environment trumps the law when it comes to entering someone's home without their consent." Judge Field told Suzuki when he was being arraigned.

Immediately afterwards, Suzuki was heard yelling: "Its not fair, its not fair. The environment needs to be saved and you are not helping. We have to do anything and everything we can to save the environment. The environment needs my help! I'm here to save this planet and I'm the captain!"

Children's Diarrhea Book Had Other Titles

New York - Hippocratic Press, publishers of the new children’s book The Moose With The Loose Poops came out publicly today to acknowledge that the final title chosen to explain diarrhea to children, was not their first choice

“The published title was not our first choice.” Hippocratic Press President John Mathers told The Rathgrith. “It was actually among several titles we narrowed down. We were going for the most descriptive title and The Moose with the Loose Poops seemed the most obvious while giving adults a sense of awkwardness in trying to explain the concept of diarrhea to their children. “It just made sense to us. All we wanted to do was to sell books with a catchy title while explaining diarrhea.”

Some of the runners up that Hippocratic Press publishing nominations looked at but ultimately decided against were:

The Cat With Excessive Craps
The Turtle Who Curdled
Everybody Gets Explosive Diarrhea
Teresy The Squirtle With The Heresy Squirts
The Owl Who Blew His Bowels

Travis Barker Not Sure What To Do With Cadillac Tattoo If GM Goes Under

Travis Barker the drummer from the popular pop-rock band Blink 182, is now openly questioning if the Cadillac logo tattoo on his chest was worth getting all those years ago as GM's financial rating is one level above "Best Used As Toilet Paper."

"Being a huge rockstar and such, I was never really thinking about it. Cadillac such was a huge brand back then when I got inked. Now, that Cadillac might go bankrupt I'm not sure if it was really worth it." Barker told The Rathgrith in an exclusive interview.

"I think I might just try to get my tattoo replaced with another car brand. Toyota seems to be doing the least worst out of the automakers right so maybe I will go with them."

Canada's Next Great Prime Minister Has Judging Issues.

Toronto - As CBC prepares to deliver another season of Canada's Next Great Prime Minster, many are wondering why the fuck the judging panel consists of Brian Mulroney, Joe Clark, Kim Campbell and Paul Martin.

"What the hell is a Kim Campbell?" 24-year-old administrative assistant Alexia Dogde asked. "Wasn't she PM for a whole of 5 hours? Hell, I could be a better one, all I need is plausible deniability and a new PM to take over after I resigned to direct all the party leadership blaming to."

Producers for Canada's Next Great Prime Minster would only state that the only criteria for a former Prime Minster to join the judging panel was he or she be willing to try to clean up their public image, before historians rip them apart. "Believe me, if I could reanimate John A. Macdonald's corpse and have him on the show, only for him to starting downing gallons of vodka and whiskey and cursing at the opposition. I would do it in a heartbeat." One of the producers who asked to remain anonymous stated.

Obama Eyes Retirment

Washington- In an exclusive interview with the Rathgrith earlier today Obama reflected on his presidancy thus far and dropped hints that he may soon offer his resignation. Although this may come as a shock to some most pundits are alredy discusing the topic, as they point out its only been a day and a half and Obama has alredy brought in a new standard of ethics for Washington, ceased all military trials, passed executive orders to shutdown Gitmo, and banned the use of torture by the US. Obama had this to say, "look I made alot of campaign promises, but at this rate I'll have gotten through all of them by next Monday." When asked what he would do come Monday, he said this, "Well I'll try to relax, Clinton always seemed to find something to do here, but if its not working out then maybe Biden could deal with things, I mean he can't possibly mess up the country as badly as he does his speaches." The question remains, will Obama resign on Monday? Many are already saying that if he wants to go down as a president with high aproval ratings, he would be wise to quit in the very near future

Local Area Man Discovers That Key To The City Does Not Actually Open Any Doors

Vancouver, British Columbia - A local area man who was recently awarded Vancouver’s Key to the City was disappointed to find out that he cannot actually use the key to open any doors in the city. Keith Borowmen, a well known entrepreneur who has been in investment industry for over 25 years, was angered when he found out that the key given to him was really a novelty item. As of press time, sources say a visibly angered Borowmen was said to be trying to access Vancouver City Hall in a vain attempt to find and destroy his property tax files. Upon being questioned, Borowmen stated, “why the hell would they give me one in the first place if I cannot use it to open any doors?”

Bush Receives Surprise Last Minute Award

While many people in America and Canada as well are currently concerned with how many days Bush has left in office on the other side of the world a diffrent story is on everyones mind. Earlier today along the Afghan/Pakistan border one Osama Bin Ladin made a surprise anouncement during the 8th annual terrorist awards, when he anounced that President George W. Bush had won the medal of the burning airplane for outstanding acheivment in the feild of terror. the award is the top prize handed out each year by Bin Ladin and this was the first time that a Westerner had won the award. Bin Ladin said that Bush won the award because of his work to drive the secular leader of Iraq out of power in 2003 and because of the houndreds and thousands of disillusioned youth that he drove to terrorist orginazations. Bush delined to comment on his historic victory